Episode 57/Transcript
Than: Aw, man. I'm Homelanding so bad right now. I've gotta throw the game for Jenna. But the guys actually want to be my friend. Ahhhh! What would Brody do? What would Brody do? Damian: Excuse me. Than: Yes, Brody from Homeland? What? Wha-wha-what? Ohh? Damian: Oh you recognize me? Hi, Damian Lewis, pleasure to meet you. Than: Brody, why are you talkin' like that? Damian: Oh well, like I said, my name is Damian Lewis. I'm actually the actor that plays Brody on Homeland. Than: Ahh, gotcha, Brody, deep British cover. Now before you start taking your clothes off like the rest of my fantasies— Damian: Oh no, uh no, I'm afraid there must be a misunderstanding. I'm actually here for Hip-Chella-Stock-Alooza. One of my mates is actually the drummer for Arrogant Mouse. Than: Classic Brody! Deep cover never breaks. Alright so, here's the problem. Jenna wants me to sabotage the football team, but Tanner's been a really good friend to me. So, I don't want to betray Tanner, but I also don't want to let Jenna down. What would you do, Brody? Damian: Oh, okay, well, again, I'm just the actor who used to play Brody, so I don't really know, but... I guess I would say just follow your heart. You seem like a nice kid. You'll know what to do. Than: Wow, classic Brody advice! So good! So good! Alright, you can disappear now if you'd like, Bagger Vance style. Damian: No, again, I'm just an actor, here to see my friend's concert. Than: Oh shit, really? Oh, alright. Damian: Hey Than, I was totally a Bagger Vance. Bye! Than: Ah, I knew it! Jenna Darabond: Okay, well tell Zombie Weekend those water bottles were for everyone! Justin: Hey Jenna, can I talk to you for a minute? Jenna Darabond: Sorry baby, I really can't right now. No, no, they're not for—Drinking only! Drinking only! Justin: Jenna, I'm breaking up with you. Jenna Darabond: What? Justin, what do you mean? Why?! Justin: I saw you, Jenna. Earlier, with Than. Jenna Darabond: What? What are you talking about? Justin: I saw you Jenna, before the game. Outside the locker room. (flashback) Justin: (voice-over) I was bringing a case of Earth Juice for the concert. Jenna Darabond: Everything goes well tonight, and you and I can start becoming much better friends... (kisses Than) Justin: What? Than: Alright now. (present) Justin: So there I am, with thirty-six bottles of carrot kale ginger and my thumb up my ass! While you're sitting there having a mouth date with Than! THAN! WITH FUCKING THAN! Jenna Darabond: Baby, I'm just using Than. He doesn't mean anything to me. Justin: Oh really, so are you just using me too? Jenna Darabond: No! Muffin! I would never! I love you! Justin: I wish I could believe you Jenna, but all you seem to care about is power, and revenge! And frankly, I'm pretty sure that you're a sociopath. Jenna Darabond: Justin, that's crazy. We have such a great life together! Justin: No we don't Jenna! You never even want to hang out with me. All you do is spend all your time scheming and plotting. And you're cheating on me! I'm done! I miss my friends Jenna! For once, I'm gonna do something I actually like: watch football. Jenna Darabond: Fine! To hell with you! The football team's gonna lose! And I'm gonna take over the school and every guy, and every girl will want me! I don't need you and I don't need anyone else! Jenna Dapananian: Hey! You wanna make out? Jenna Darabond: Shut up Jenna! (whacks her) Justin: Hey, mind if I sit here? Tristan: By all means, mister crew cut! Brittnay: Well look at that, our audience just doubled. Judith: Alright, alright, big thanks to Video Game Inferno. Rachel: Yay, give it up one more time! Judith: Let em' hear it! Rachel: They were great. Hey Judith... Judith: Hey, wha? Rachel: What's the most important thing for me to remember here at Hip-Chella-Stocka-Looza? Judith: Why, hydration, Rach! Jenna Dapananian: Whoo! Yeah! So hot! Ohmygod. Cher Guy: Ugh! Hey! Watch where you're going! Jenna Dapananian: You don't even need sandals... Ohmygod... Cher Guy: This kind of behavior would never, ever be tolerated at a Life after Love concert, ever! Ashley: Is anybody else really hot? I'm like really hot. Amberlynn: Um, I don't mean to cast aspersions, but some person or group of people smells very badly. Connor: Yeah. Smells like moose nut. Cher Guy: Um, why exactly is this supposed to be cool again? Amberlynn: Well, um, because, it's unique and it's something that nobody else is doing. Ashley: Hey how do you know if the reason, that people aren't doing it, is because it sucks? Amberlynn: Well that's a thinker. Cher Guy: Uh, guys, I'm just gonna throw this out there, has anybody had any fun tonight? Everyone: No, not really. No, no. Connor: Has anybody had any fun in the last six weeks? Everyone: No, no. Not at all. Amberlynn: I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I know that. Ashley: My doctor says I have stomach ulcers. Cher Guy: Uh, hey guys, um, isn't that Justin Michaelson over there at the football game? Amberlynn: Oh, I thought football wasn't cool anymore. Ashley: Yeah, I thought that no one liked it because it became so popular. Cher Guy: You know guys, I'm g—I'm gonna be honest here, I actually enjoyed going to the football games. Amberlynn: Yeah, if you ask me, it was a great way to spend a Friday night with all of your friends. Connor: Yeah, a hell of a lot better than this shit. Jenna Dapananian: D'you see my friends? Anybody see my friends? Connor: (hits Jenna) Stop sweating on me! Jenna Dapananian: Woah! Awh... right in the boobs! Ashley: Guys, I've got an idea, just hear me out. Maybe we should just like whatever it is we like. And if other people start liking it too, it's not bad. In fact, it probably means that whatever it is we like, is pretty good. Only now we have people we can share it with. And if nobody else likes it, well that's okay too. Because it makes us happy. Connor: Whoa. You are blowing my mind, Ashley Katchadourian. Amberlynn: So small, yet so wise. Ashley: Guys! I've got another crazy idea. What if we ditch the concert and go watch the football game together? Everyone: Yeah, alright! I'm all about that! Such a good idea. Fuck yeah! Sweet! Clint: Derringer gets the hand off, he runs straight up the middle and takes it for another fifteen yards! Overland Park is marching down the field, if this drive leads to a touchdown, it would most likely clinch the game for the Grizzlies! Meanwhile, the Overland stands finally seem to be filling up. What do you think about that Bert? (Bert snores) Okay, you know what Bert? Ah, fuck it, Bert. I'm eating some of your nachos. Oh wait, and what's this? Shawnee Mission is bringing in Oisin McGrann on defense! Well, this certainly is unorthodox! Christiansen drops back to pass... Blindsided by McGrann, and the ball is loose! Shawnee Mission falls on him and we are going the other way folks! Oisin: No no, not in my house! Clint: Ooh, and a hush over the stadium! It appears that Christiansen may be injured on the play. Let's listen in! Tanner: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! It hurts! It hurts! Ahhhhh! Tristan: My baby! Than: My ba—I mean, Tanner! You alright? Walk it off, bro, walk it off. Clint: Oh and Christiansen is definitely injured. This crowd is silent. Bert: Where the fuck are my nachos? Mackenzie: Girls, I think it's time to initiate the final phase of our plan. Trisha: Wait, what plan? Oh, oh god, were we supposed to have a plan? Mackenzie: Trisha, don't worry, I got this. Sergeant— Sergeant: Yes, Miss Zales. Mackenzie: Are your men ready? Sergeant: Waiting on your call. Mackenzie: Well then, I think it's time for this shitstorm to finally come to an end.